


My Dear Hamilton

by nevereverever



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Dissociation, Fluff, Gay, M/M, Modern AU, Panic Attack, Sickfic, be warned, is this my life now?, kinda sad, peggy and theodosia are mentioned but they aren't in the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-13 08:41:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5702143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevereverever/pseuds/nevereverever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander gets sick. John gets worried. Very gay times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends! I hope you enjoy this! This chapter doesn't have anything particularly triggering in it, but there are sick people and some mild anxiety. Be safe friends :)

John Laurens knew something was wrong when his bed was still warm when his alarm went off. Alexander was almost always awake and ready before he was. Heck, he was usually already at work. But that morning he could still feel the warmth of Alexander against his back. It certainly wasn’t unwelcome, but John knew that something was off.  
His alarm was shrill, so he turned it off quickly. Alexander groaned.  
“Are you okay babe? You aren’t up as early as usual.” John whispered, rubbing his eyes in a halfhearted attempt to wake himself up.  
“Nothin’,” Alexander mumbled in response, “I’m just tired.”  
“Were you up late last night?”  
“Not particularly. I was just finishing up the briefing on the case for next week.”  
“You are lying.” John chided, “I can tell when you are lying. It is no use. What time did you go to bed?”  
“Like 1 am?” Alex said, his voice lilting in an attempt to cover his blatant lie.  
John looked him in the eye and gave Alexander his best ‘I know you are lying so just be straight with me’ glare. He loved Alexander, to be sure, but he could be a bit of a handful when he was dead set on something.  
“Fine, like 4 am. And then I came to bed.” Alexander repented.  
“Babe, we have talked about this.”  
“Seriously John, I am fine! I can take care of myself.” He glanced over at his clock somewhat blearily. “Oh fuck, it’s really late. I gotta go. See you later.”  
“Alexander? Remember the Peg’s show is tonight.” John said, rising to be at eye level with his boyfriend, “So don’t be late.”  
“I won’t be, I promise.” Alexander responded, his voice hoarse.

John worked at a pediatrician's office. His shift didn’t start until 9, but he usually got up early to see Alexander off. That morning Alexander was a tornado of movement and profanities while trying to get to work faster than humanly possible. It didn’t help that that particular morning that Alex stopped every minute or so to cough.  
John hated it when Alexander was sick. It made him anxious and he hated it because he knew that Alex knew. And Alex would try to hide it. Everytime. It didn’t sound too bad though, so John tried not to worry.  
John snuck into the kitchen. He pulled together a fast breakfast and some cough medicine.  
“Where are my fucking keys? I put them somewhere last night and now I can’t find them. Fuck. Shit. I’m going to be late.” Alexander yelled from the living room.  
“Alex, honey, they’re in your wallet” John called out from the kitchen.”  
“That they are. Well. I’m off.”  
John grabbed the breakfast and medicine he had pulled together and ran to the front door, blocking it.  
“Not so fast. You are getting sick. I can hear it. Take this. I am going to call Angelica and have her check in on you. May I remind you that she works right next to you. Literally the next office down. I have contacts right near you. If you haven’t eaten this and taken these or if she says that you are dying or something, I will personally come to your office and drag you home against your will.”  
“John, while I find the gesture kind, I resent the implication that I can’t take care of myself.”  
“I’m not saying that you can’t take care of yourself, I just want confirmation. I don’t want you coughing during Peg’s show tonight.” He gave Alexander a quick kiss and pressed the pile of things he had grabbed to his boyfriend's chest, “I love you.”  
“I love you too. See you tonight.” Alexander said, already half out the door.  
John smiled lovingly at Alex as he walked away. He certainly loved Alexander, but deary he was hard to handle.

John went to work. He loved his job, but something in the back of his mind kept nagging him. He really was worried about Alex.  
As soon as he got a break he grabbed his phone and texted Angelica.  
“Did you check in on him?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Is he okay? Did he eat and take the medicine?”  
“He did, but he isn’t looking too hot. He could barely talk, and he has been coughing and sniffling since he got to work. I told him to go home but he is resolute. I don’t know how you put up with him.”  
Damn you Alexander Hamilton.  
He replied to Angelica.  
“Sometimes I don’t know either. Thanks for your help.”  
“He’ll be fine John”  
He leaned up against a wall and rubbed his eyes. He knew Alex hated it when he worried too much, but Alexander always pushed himself too much and with all of the briefings and cases and deadlines that came with running a law firm, it was all too easy for him.  
For the rest of his lunch break, John would check his phone and then try to convince himself everything was okay… and then check his phone again. Repeat for 30 minutes.  
Giving into his better judgement and knowing Alex would be mad at him, he called the firm, also knowing that Alexander would be ignoring his phone.  
“Hello, Hamilton and Burr, how may I help you?”  
“Hi Theodosia. It’s John. Would you mind putting Alexander on for me?”  
“Not at all.”  
John waited for a moment, impatiently tapping his fingers against the table he was sitting at. John was familiar with the hold music at this point, and it annoyed him. Every time that John had to call Alex at work, it meant either something bad had happened or that John was worried. The incessant hold music did not help.  
The music cut off abruptly  
“Hello, this is Alexander Hamilton of Hamilton and Burr, how may I be of assistance?” His voice sounded hoarse and congested, worse than that morning.  
“Hi honey, it's me. Angelica said you’ve been coughing all day and that you don’t look great. Are you okay?”  
“John. Why did you call me at work?” Alexander hissed.  
“Because I’m worried and you never pick up your phone.”  
“I’m fine John.”  
“It is my opinion that you are not. You sound awful. Listening to you talk makes my throat hurt. Don’t lie to me. Are you actually okay.”  
“I’ve been coughing and I have a bit of a headache. Nothing I can’t deal with.”  
‘Okay. But Angelica will be texting me, and If you get any worse I will make good on my promise of dragging you out of that law firm.”  
John was about to hang up the phone when he heard Alexander croak on the other end of the line.  
“I love you John Laurens.”  
“I love you too.” John softened a bit. He wanted to act like the hard ass, but he really just couldn’t stand to see Alex sick. He was tiny bit comforted by the fact that Alex was still being as headstrong and stubborn as ever, John got back to work.

The ease in anxiety was why John wasn’t as worried as he might have been when he got a call. He sneaked away from the conversation he had been having with one of his coworkers about a patient. When he saw the caller, he got significantly more worried.  
“Angelica.”  
“John, before you panic, I just want you to know that he isn’t hurt. He isn’t going to the hospital. He is fine. He did just throw up in the bathroom. I sent him home. I told him that he was no longer allowed in the office. I called him a cab and then called you.”  
“Oh my goodness. Thank you Angelica. I’ll get home as soon as I can. I’ll text with updates.”  
“It will be okay John. He’s just got a virus or something. Don’t worry.”  
John left immediately. He knew Alexander was okay, but he just needed to be there. He needed to be there for his boyfriend. 

“Alex? Honey? Are you there?” John yelled as soon as he walked into the apartment.  
Alex didn’t even get the chance to respond before the coughing alerted him as to where Alex was. John ran to him and turned on the nearby lamp. Alex winced.  
“Headache.”  
“Sorry. Sorry sorry.” John whispered as he turned the lamp off again  
Alexander was curled up on the couch. He had pulled his knees to his chest and appeared to be wheezing from the effort.  
“Okay honey. Let's get you sorted out.” John grabbed a couple of blankets from their bed and some cough suppressant and water from the kitchen and then tiptoed back into the living room where Alexander's frail form lay shivering on the couch.  
John snuck his body onto the corner of the couch. He pulled Alex onto his lap without much resistance and draped a couple of blankets over him.  
“Okay babe. Does that feel better or worse with the blankets?”  
“Better.” Alexander said between coughs.  
“Good. Do you think you can hold down some water?”  
Alexander nodded his head as much as he could without making his headache worse.  
John pressed the glass to Alex’s lips. Alex drank, the soothing cool of the water dripping down his throat. After a bit, John was able to coax a bit of medicine into his shaking boyfriend. They sat in silence for a while. Alex would cough and John would have to hold back his wince.  
“John?” Alex whispered into the silence.  
“Yeah? Do you need something hon?” John replied as quietly as he possibly could.  
“Not really. You know you didn’t have to leave work early. I can handle myself.” Alex said with all of the indignation he could muster.  
“Babe, you know I could never just leave you. I couldn’t have beared to have gone on with my shift knowing you were curled up on the couch by yourself. I had to come home. You know that.”  
“We didn’t go to Peggy’s show.” Alex responded, worry filling his voice.  
“Honey, it’s okay. It’s okay. Angie knew you were sick. I’m sure she told Peg. We can go another time. I just want you to get better. Everyone does.”  
“Okay. I would be more stubborn, but it really hurts to talk.” Alex sniffled into John’s chest.  
“I know you would. Do you want to move to the bed, or are you okay here.”  
“I’m good here, just don’t leave me.”  
“Of course not.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Thank you for continuing to read this trash. It means a lot.  
> This chapter contains a panic attack/dissociation event. If that is going to trigger you, don't read it. Stay safe friends :)

John couldn’t fall asleep. The coughing, the shaking, the heat. Alexander was like a living alarm clock. Alexander drifted in and out of consciousness, usually waking up a bit to cough and then settling back into John’s chest. John didn’t mind. Multiple times he was tempted to wake Alexander up to give him some fever medicine or to get him changed out of his work clothes, but he seemed oddly peaceful for a while. And for a moment, John almost fell asleep.

It started as whispers. Quick snippets of words, half words or sounds. Alex would thrash, like he was fighting something off, trying to move something away. John shook him lightly.  
“Alex? Alex, babe, you’re okay.”  
There was no response. He kept mumbling

It was hot. It was hot like the Caribbean. It was hot like the air after the hurricane. He was cold.  
He was cold like the bodies. Bodies that leached heat out of the tips of his fingers. Cold. Why was he cold when everything was so hot.  
Hurt. He was hurt. Hurt like his mother. He cried out like a child at his mother’s side.

“Don’t leave!” Alex screamed into the worried silence.  
“I won’t. Baby, I promise I won't leave you.”   
John pulled Alexander to his chest, trying to assure him that he wasn’t gone, he wasn’t going to leave.  
“Alexander, where are you?” John asked, trying to see if he could talk Alex out of the panic and terror.

A voice. From the distance. Soft. Soft like his mother’s voice before. Before. Before.  
Where are you. ‘Where are you?’ the voice screamed in hushed tones. Where are you? Where was he?  
It was hot. Hot. So hot like the nights when he could smell rot drift in from the streets. Hot like the night his mother stopped. She stopped.  
But he was cold. Cold his cousin’s skin. Cold like his cousin’s body as they put it in the grave. Cold like his family. Cold like dead bodies.  
Was he dead?

“I’m dead. I’m dead. Where am I? Where am I? I’m dead and it is hot.” Alex whispered, a stark contrast to the screams of just moments ago.  
“Alex, my dear, my aren’t dead. You aren’t dead. I promise. You’re in our apartment. You are in our apartment in New York. You aren’t dead.”

Not dead, says the quiet scream. He is not dead. then why is he so cold.  
He is so cold. So very cold. He asks. He is so cold and it is so hot. He was so cold. his mother’s skin was so hot before. Before.

“Why am I so cold. I am so cold. I should be dead. I am cold like death. I should be dead. Am I dead?” Alexander asked. John restrained himself, trying so hard not to cry. It is so hard not to cry. His boyfriend, resting in his lap, saying that he should be dead. It felt like a stab to the chest.  
“Alexander, you're not dead. You shouldn’t be dead. You are alive. You are alive and I am not going to leave you.” John said, desperately trying to keep his voice steady.  
“I am dead. My body hurts and I am cold and it is so, so hot.”

The whispered scream tells him that he is not dead. But then why does it hurt like it did when he saw his mother the last time? Why is he cold like when he saw the beautiful light? The light that took him closer.  
He was cold. Cold like snow. Like snow. Like snow. Was there snow?

“Is there snow?” Alex asked, his voice like that of a small child.  
“No. No honey. We are inside. There is no snow.”  
John didn’t know what to do. When Alex panicked, it usually only lasted a few minutes, and he could be talked out of it easily. Something about him being sick. Maybe it was the cough medicine. He couldn’t escape. John could see it in his eyes. Alexander was trapped. His body was racked by coughs and he shook, and John felt helpless to do anything.  
“Is there snow?” Alex asked again, “Is there snow? Am I made of snow?”  
“No honey.” John reassured him, brushing his boyfriend's hair out of his face, “You aren’t made of snow.”

 

The voice seemed so far away. The voice told him he wasn’t made of snow. He could feel John touch his forehead, but the voice was not coming from John.  
The voice said there was no snow. There was no snow. He wished there was snow.  
Snow didn’t mean dead bodies.  
The heat and the cold. But not the snow. It was so very hot.

“Snow means no one is dead. Someone is dead. The cold. I am so cold.” Alexander whispered. His voice was barely audible.  
“What do you mean Alex? What do you mean about the snow?” John asked. Sometimes asking helped. Sometimes it didn’t John was getting desperate. It hurt to see Alex in so much pain. He thought about calling the hospital, but that would just make it worse. 

The voice asked about the snow. What was the snow. There had been no snow on the hot nights when the streets smelled like death. There was no snow when his mother stopped. When she stopped.   
The voice wanted to know about the snow. What was the snow?  
The snow meant New York. There was no snow before, but there was snow in New York. The snow meant that no one was dead.

“The snow means New York. No one is dead in New York. Am I in New York? I feel cold like snow.”  
John wanted to cry out in relief. New York. He knew something. He would be okay.  
“Yes,my dear Hamilton, we are in New York. We are in our apartment in New York. What do you know about our apartment?”  
Apartment. He wanted to sound out the word. It felt foreign. All he knew was heat and death and the cold of corpses. And snow. He knew about the snow.  
Apartment. He knew that he lived. Did he live? He lived with John.   
He had felt John. Where was John. Was John cold like his mother was in the bed when he was so, so hot?  
It was so hot and John was cold. He screamed. John couldn’t be cold. He was cold and. And John.

“Is John dead? Is John cold?” Alexander screamed  
“No honey. John is right here. I have been talking to you for a while, do you remember?”

He remembered. He remembered coming home and falling on the couch. He remembered the apartment and being sick. He remembered John coming home to find him. He remembered.  
He was hot. He was hot and cold and hot and cold and John was alive and he was alive. he was alive. He should tell John he was alive.

“I’m alive. I was sick. I was sick. I am sick. John is alive. We are inside and we are in New York.” Alex said triumphantly.   
He blinked his eyes. He was so tired and his body hurt, but he could feel his back against John. He was cold, but he did not feel the reaching fingers of cold that had taken his cousin, his mother.  
“Yes baby. We are. Are you okay?” Jahn said cautiously.  
“I feel terrible and I am so tired, but yes. Better.” Alexander said.   
John sighed and pulled his boyfriend close to him.  
“You scared me. Please do not ever do that again.” John whispered into Alex’s hair.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be. Now. I want to get you into pajamas, get you some ibuprofen, more cough suppressant but no more Nyquil because that did not work out. Do you want to stay on the couch or go to the bed?” John asked, trying to distract himself from how his hands were shaking. He hated feeling helpless.  
“I don’t care. Just don’t leave me.” Alexander whimpered.  
“I won’t. I promise. John sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you all enjoyed that chapter There might be one more, but also maybe not.   
> Sorry if the switching back and forth between the real world and Alexander's panic was confusing. There were supposed to be italics, but I couldn't figure out how. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you for sticking with this mess! This chapter has a panicky episode, some mentions of the dissociation from the previous chapter, but nothing bad outside of that. Also some cursing. :P Enjoy!

Alexander threw up two more times before the sun came up. He coughed the entire night. He maintained a fever of about 102. And despite his frequent protests, John did not let him go to work in the morning.  
“Seriously John! I’m fine. I really am. I can work just fine.”  
“You aren’t and you know it. Alexander, you stubborn ass of a man, you cannot go to work with a 102 fever. My god.” John scolded. He hadn’t left Alexander’s side since that time he got home. He had called in sick from work. All he had to do was tell his boss “Alex is sick” and he was let off. His boss knew what Alexander being sick entailed at this point.  
“I need to work. I’m going to die if I can’t do anything all day.” Alex protested.  
“You will die if you go out into the cold like this. I need to get you some more blankets, and then I think I’m going to text Lafayette and have him bring us some food.”  
“John, this really isn’t necessary.”  
“Listen up you dumbass. You scared me out of my mind last night. I almost called the hospital. It makes me feel better to dote, so let me dote.” John exclaimed, rather exasperated.  
“John, watch your mouth.” Alex teased.  
“Ugh. I’m texting Lafayette. Maybe he can shut you up for a change.”  
“Fine.” Alex said, and John could hear the smile in his voice. It was a bit of a relief. Alex snuggled back into the blankets while John texted Lafayette.  
“Hey Laf. Alex is real sick. Like real sick. Last night he panicked and dissociated I think and I’m really shaken up and I don’t want to leave him. So could you maybe come over and also bring food?”  
“Oh John. That’s awful. I’ll be right on over. Any food preferences?”  
“Not particularly. Alex has been vomiting though so something easy on the stomach.”

“John?” Alexander called weakly from the other room.  
John took a deep breath. He knew everything was alright. Alex just needed something. He didn’t need to be worried.  
John was tired and upset and anxious. His hands had been shaking for hours and it was becoming harder to hide. John knew how to deal with sick people. He was around sick people all the time, but something about Alex being sick was different.  
John poked his head back into the bedroom.  
“Is everything okay hun?”  
“My stomach feels awful.” Alex croaked out, “Will you get me some water?”  
“Yeah.” John sighed. He grabbed water from the kitchen and very carefully walked back to the couch where Alexander was collapsed. He tried to still his shaking hands, and placed the cup in his boyfriend's hands like they would break. John took a breath and closed his eyes. He was so tired, and so anxious that he was worried that at any moment he might just shatter.  
Alex could see it. Of course he could see it. John was never very good at hiding when he was upset or tired or panicking.   
“John. I love you. You know that, right?”   
“I know. I love you too.”   
“I can see your hands shaking. If you need to go take a nap or leave or if you’re about to panic.” Alex paused for a second, “It’s okay. I can handle myself for a bit.”  
“No. No. I’m… I’m fine. It’s just. What happened last night. It kinda shook me up. I’m really tired, and you know it makes me stressed when you’re sick. But I’m not going to leave you. I won’t.”  
“John, it’s fine. I’m sick, but I’m not dying.” Alex had a small coughing fit at possibly the worst time, “You can take a nap John.”  
“No. I want to stay with you.” John took another deep breath and tried to still his shaking hands.  
“God you are stubborn.” Alex laughed.  
“Hey! That’s my line!” John retorted, only somewhat pretending to be indignant.  
“I think your line is ‘Okay Alexander, I’m going to go take a nap.’” Alex said.  
“No! My line is ‘scoot over so I can sit down jackass’”  
Alex laughed so loud John thought it was a scream, and then promptly started coughing. John’s smile faded as he sat down. He rubbed Alexander’s back until the coughing subsided and the wrapped his arms around his sick boyfriend.  
“I’m not leaving you. I’m not. I can’t.” John whispered.  
“Okay. For once, I will not protest.” Alex whispered back, his voice barely louder than the sounds of the road drifting in through the windows.

Lafayette arrived at the apartment just as Alex was falling asleep. John had given him a key ages ago, just in case there was an emergency or something.   
“I bring the gift of sustenance.” Laf called as he entered.  
John made a relatively loud shhhh noise in an attempt to quiet the loud frenchman on the account of his sleeping boyfriend, but Alex started coughing right as he did. For a moment, everyone was making noise and the door slammed and Alex’s coughing got worse and everything felt like it was falling apart.  
John started breathing hard. His hands shook and all he could think was that he hadn’t done enough to help Alexander.   
“John?” Lafayette inquired quietly, “Are you okay?”  
John closed his eyes and tried to focus. He tried to slow his breathing. He could feel Laf’s hand on his back. It was there and it was nice. But everything was just a bit too loud.   
“Yeah. Sorry. I just. There was a lot of noise and I got overwhelmed for a second. Don’t worry about it.” John sighed.  
Alex cuddled up to John.  
“John, you’re okay. You’re okay, and I’m okay. Everything is fine.”  
“I know. I know.” John leaned back into the couch, “I’m sorry. I probably should take a nap or relax or something. It’s just… last night you kept talking about you being dead. You said that you should be dead or that you were dead or something. You were burning up and coughing and it just made me really nervous. Sorry.”  
Alex coughed for a minute, and when he was finished it looked like he was struggling to stay awake, but he spoke with a purpose even though his voice was rapidly disappearing.  
“John, I was panicking. I was thinking about my mom and my cousin and I was sick. My brain thinks death when I get sick. I’m sorry if it freaked you out.”  
Laf flopped onto John’s lap and smiled up at him.  
“Seems like both of you are tired and panicked messes. We should not let you two be around each other when you are sick. John, I am giving you a break from being the caretaker. I am going to make you both plates of food, I am going to get Alex some medicine of some sort and then we are all going to watch a trashy movie on Netflix. Cool?”

Alex and John both nodded. Lafayette jumped up and got busy. He mumbled to himself in French. Something like ‘these idiots’ and ‘I have dumb friends’. Alex laid his head on John's lap.  
“John, I feel terrible.”  
John giggled.  
“You think I haven’t noticed?” he paused for a second, like he was choosing words very carefully, “I’m sorry for freaking out that you were freaking out. I just get so worried when you get sick. I love you so much. You are smart and funny and headstrong and I love you so much.” John kissed Alexander’s forehead.  
Alex smiled. His throat was sore and he felt awful and could barely talk. He felt weak and tired and he knew he would fall over if he had to stand, but he loved John Laurens more than he loved anything in the world.  
“Don’t leave me.” Alex whispered with all he had left of his voice.  
“Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading friends! It is crazy the amount of hits this has because I am just posting brain vomit and you all enjoy it. Thanks so much for reading and stay tuned for the rest of the crap I end up posting. :)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this brain vomit. There will be another chapter at some point (I have applications to finish before I can write more of this trash). Sorry to the founding fathers for this.


End file.
